new wedding photos up! go check them out!
also, watch for my grafitti magazine interview around the week of the 20th :)

suck ass. thats what i fell like screaming really loudly. because i hate my job. i hate it with a damned passion. lets just say that some people there have said something that has really pissed me off and i dont want anything else to do with that place. i am ready to go back slinging ham and decorating cakes. thats all i'll say about it for now. i called off work a half an hour before i was supposed to be there today. i know i will get yelled at *disciplined* on monday. but fuck it. i am so pissed off and uncomfortable there now. we ended up going to the flea market today and i got some weird crap. as usual. i dont know why i am drawn to wierd shit. i got this weird rabbit lamp thingy. i painted it though when i got home because i thought it may make it a tad bit less scarier. at goodwill i got some silly looking back massager thing. like we don't have a lot of crap we dont need already.

Scarey bunny thing:

there was this one time when i wasn't always hating on people. oh wait. that never happened. since i started the pharmacy job, i now hate working with the public even more. they are impatient selfish assholes. one minute i am feeling bad for someone in hospice, someone who cant afford all the meds, or someone who doesnt even have 5 bucks on them to pay for what they need, the next minute, i am hating on someone cause they think it's the end of the world cause they have to wait on their prescription to actually be filled. low and behold there are other people ahead of them or they could have called ahead of time to get it done. oh and the sudafed freaks. the scabbed over redneck assholes who have nothing else to live for who just have to have their sudafed to make meth with.

besides work, i have 2 weddings coming up. i am looking forward to them in a way. but in a way im not cause i am nervous about seeing people i havent seen in a while. also, everyone from my class is trying to get a reunion going. big 10 years. gah. im old. should i go? i dont wanna. unless its just the people i used to hang out with.

anyways, i started a flickr account. i'll upload some misc things to it once in a while.

does anyone else really still update this thing?

So. I am updating. Wow? Yep. Trying to decide if we want to go see a movie. I kinda want too. But everything seems to suck. I kinda want watermellon now that john brought it up. Oh, I am working in the pharmacy now. I am now a tech... in training. It sucks. In a way, I really hate it. It's sad to say but I miss the slinging ham and decorating cakes. *sigh* I'll update more later.

john and i went to see the new bond movie. casino royale. it was pretty good. i really liked it. there were maybe four other chicks in the theater and about 45 guys. it was the first showing at like noon:fifteen so i was suprised that there were that many people. we then went and got sherman a new cage. but i dont think that in the long run, he is gonna approve. he just may prefer that silly 10 gallon tank.

i have to go to work in a short bit. i don't really want to today. i only have to go in till 9 but i have to close with brenda. brenda is this older lady who works at like 90 mph to get everything done. she only has to close once a week due to managements rules. she is usually in bakery section doing bread, rolls, pies, etc. she will get everything done for tonight and go back and work on her crap for tomorrow and leave me up there fending for myself. she is nosey too. always asks about my family, or john, or sometimes finds ways to diminish my character by calling something that i say or do weird.

i don't know what to do with work. i go on vacation dec. 10th to the 16th. that is the only positive thing about it...... i hate knowing that this is what i'm doing with my life.

i feel stuck. of course. stuck in this god forsaken work world called normality. normality isn't normal to me. it's a rut. a rut other wise known as having to conform to pay off the man. it was getting so bad with the AMERICAN EDUCATION ASSHOLES calling me at work i finally had to talk to them to get them off my ass. i told them i will get a savings account in 2 weeks and start sending them 92 dollars a month. in 6 months i can go back to school if i wanted, and in 9 months it will be taken off of my credit report as a defaulted loan. i don't know if this will last or not. i am poor as a ... i don't know. im poor. we are poor. but i refuse to be poor in the future. i have to start getting these things taken care of. i am working 40 hours a week right now and only getting like a 180 dollar pay check. 20 a week goes to my 401k..which i now have 600 dollars invested into. we are finally caught up on rent, bills, and sending an extra 90 bucks a month to someone else just seems so wrong.. right? yeah it does. we can't get caught up. john hates me talking about our finances or lack there of, but i have to dish it out somehow. i need to get this out. i need to let loose.we have to have a code with his parents to call because we have no caller id. thats why we never answer the phone. it might be a bill collector looking for me. . . i need a weapon.

i am reading/watching a lot of hunter s. thompson lately. dear god man, he was a fucking genius. i wish he was my dad. he was great. my dad isn't. i can't even really call him that. it's not on the birth certificate at least. he sucks. he fucking sucks so much. to leave while i was so young and start a whole new family with someone else who is like 8000000 brain cells to even be considered normal. i don't know. i really don't know. that's all i can say isn't it? i don't know. at least him and hunter would have had the drug thing in common. somehow, h.s.t doing drugs is a lot cooler than dear ol daddy doing drugs.

i never hang out friends. danielle calls here and there, we hang out shortly after the call, then we go forever before we talk again. lindsay. yes you lindsay. if you ever get online. if you ever realize that i would love to dearly hang out with you more often. i need the friendship, the buddiness. john hangs out with his cousin here and there but i know he wouldn't mind seeing friends other than me. him and his cousin talk everyday on the phone just about. i really liked hanging out with lindsay not long ago and seeing that frat beer drinking movie and playing redneck video games in the theater. she kicked my ass at deer hunting.

i have had a few friends find me on myspace.com. some i figured i would never talk to again in my life. there would be no way that i would go to a highschool reunion to save my life. unless i was skinny, rich, or both. most of my friends have kids, married, etc. do i want that? yeah.. i suppose. i wouldnt mind having a kid. it's so scary though why is everything so normal so scary for john and i? marriage, children, i think they scare the mortal shit out of us both. why? we have been through so much already, why can't we just approach life with a calm head on our shoulders? i think because every time we try to do something to better ourselves or make things better, something or someone throws a big pile of "you can't do that" in our face. we always get fucked with. something always takes a big giant ugly "you suck and evil prevails" shit right on top of our nonexpecting heads.

hmm. maybe i will go back to school. maybe i'll get a degree in something that is acceptable around here and let me advance past deli clerk. maybe i can become a friggin nurse haha. yeah right. or wait, i'll become a manager of like i hop or something. wooo. such high expectations when you compare the expectations i had in 12th grade. in 12th grade i was going to become famous after graduating from the art institute of pittsburgh. then i started hearing that the school sucked and blah blah, then i never went. i went to state college, dropped out and have worked retail ever since. sure i went back to school and get a visual communications degree. but where is that now? in the closet. in an envelope. pointless.

ok. yeah. i shot a wedding the other month. i think i did really well. the photos were pretty good. i have a few more lined up. i want my own studio. even if i had one, what the hell would i do. i can't handle people. im not a people person.

doom doom doom

i love john. i love our little apartment. i love our hamster, our fish, and our shitty car that seems to get more white trash every second it is on the road. i just want things to change for us to where we can be content with where we are right now. i want him to stop stressing and me to stop freaking.

any suggestions are welcome.

the other night, hoping that my uncle would give us some cash while we were there, we went to the house. i got a few things out of my room and looked around. it was dark already. we had to use flash lights. all of a sudden, while carrying some things towards the front door, some weird music started playing loudly from the church up the street. it played the whole time we were there. in the dark, church music loudly, sounded like over an intercom, a little freaked. sad. misc emotions. when i got home i was thinking, well at work, i was thinking, it was 6:30 when that happened. it was 6:30 when she passed away. its the 1 yr and 9 month anniversary of everything. i know, probably nothing. but it didn't feel like nothing. blah. it just pisses me off. why is she gone? why is everyone gone in my family that i can depend on. the rest of them irritate me beyond belief.

<\end rant>

omg. i woke up today sick as a dog. i still don't konw what was wrong. i was kinda dizzy, more woozy, yes there is a difference. i felt like throwing up, which i eventually did. i had to call off work half an hour before i was to be there. Of course, it was to the manager that gave me a warning a few weeks back about calling off. So yeah, I'll probably get yelled at but ya know, i can't help it. The more i walked around and stood and whatever, the more sick I got. John went and got me some pepto, i think that helped, and then i took a long nap. got up around 9 and felt a little better. Ate some tomato soup with a pb sandwich. Napped again, took a sinus pressure pill. Now im up and feel a lot. . . A LOT better. I still feel a little bleh but better. I can't understand what it was. But then again, I haven't thrown up in 4 years. The whole time John and I have been together. The last time was in the post office parking lot back home, a precher gave me a paper towel. I have to work every day this week. I dont know how im gonna do it. Gah.

I had more dreams last night about the end of the world. It's like the 4th one that involves star gazing and seeing tons of falling stars then, thousands, millions, etc. You just know whats gonna happen next. I also still keep dreaming about my grandmaw. It's always pleasant dreams lately about her. Like this one last night, I was there going through her fridge, no suprise right?, but she had such great food. But tons of strawberries for some reason. bags of them. i started making a strawberry shortcake when I woke up before I could eat it. I just love seeing her face in those dreams. Just like i remember her. My friend Nancy at work tries to convince me that it is actually my grandmaw coming through to me in the dreams, trying to make me happy and not to worry. I am very willing to believe that.

Lindsay and I went to see a movie the other night and i had a lot of fun. I wanna do it again soon. I hate not doing anything anymore. I used to be so active. I am gonna make myself get more active. I also am going to do the weight watchers thing. I need it, i want it. I want to change. I need a big life change in some manner. Hopefully I'll get that boring typing postal job. I take the test on the 24th.

A co-worker passed away the other day. I can't believe it. It's an odd thing. To know someone for almost a year and then they are gone. She was showing me a lot about decorating cakes. R.i.p Thelma.

That's enough for now.

.amanda

john & i - sims versions